I heard a song on television today that inspired this post it was called ‘I still love’ by Nicki Minaj (inspired chorus), http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Bucpv_22VA0It made me somewhat emotional and took me off on a journey of discovery, looking at my feelings as a recently married and new-ish mum of one. ‘Who am I?’ This is probably one of the most difficult questions I’ve asked myself in recent months? Who am I now? What do I still stand for? What am I still passionate about? And my most profound question: who is it looking back at me when I look into the mirror? I don’t quite recognise her these days.
There is this growing sense of losing myself to the whirlwind called life. I live for my family, I live for my daughter. A tear from her breaks my heart. When my husband is upset, the world might as well swallow me up. I want to give everything I am to support and nurture my family but that doesn’t always leave enough time to devote to myself and do the things I want to.
It’s a dangerous thing to lose your sense of self after going through life changing events. Sometimes I walk around the office at work wondering whether I really know anyone at all. I feel like the part of me that joined 4 years ago has gone away and this current person struggles to understand which personality to bring along to work each day, versions of me but which one’s the genuine article?! Friendships are hard to develop when I meet new people as there never seems to be any depth in the conversations, almost like I hold back and purposefully keep people at a distance.
I don’t know when or why these feelings have surfaced recently but I’m embracing them to redefine myself and discover a new passion for life.
During my search for answers I consider and would also urge those of you reading this to consider this:
Who do I want to be? If I was another person looking in on my life and making an assessment about me I would probably start by giving me a great big, warm hug. I would utter the words ‘you ARE enough’, your achievements in life may not always meet with your expectations but you’re still doing great. (P.S. Thankyou ‘Finding Joy’ mum. I first heard those words from you and they will forever be engrained in my heart.
Whoever or whatever this new me is, I am still relevant and can I still change the world in some way like I’ve always dreamed of doing. When I was a child my dreams were huge but as an adult they seem like little things, getting through each day and only looking to the immediate future.
I want to be a mother whose child doesn’t have to miss her each and every day.
I want to go on holiday with my baby and not feel like I’ve she’s growing up without me and am only just catching highlights. I missed my mum growing up. She worked a lot.
I want to come home each day with a sense of accomplishment; that my day has served a good purpose and although it didn’t include my beloved family for much of it, it’s still something to be proud of.
I want to dream bigger once again. Faith in tomorrow, excitement for whats to come everyday and finally make the best of every situation and not complain about it afterwards.
In conclusion I’d like everyone reading this to take stock for a while and embrace this journey of rediscovery. If you’re reading this, be brave and take on tomorrow with purpose. Expect good things; learn from your mistakes as they build a greater depth of character in you. Finally, and I must always remember this:
‘You are your own worst critic; don’t be too hard on yourself.’