This post is taken from a small journal I’ve neglected for quite a while now. It was written over a year ago. It talks about lessons that I need to continue to reinforce in my life, maybe always. The ‘imposter syndrome’ is such a real thing. To me, it equates to thoughts such as never believing that you’re where you need to be, never deserving of the gifts you receive, and the ultimate results of decades of self-doubt to the point where the ‘truth’ almost feels subjective rather than the factual determination that it actually is.
I realised today I’d forgotten these lessons so am reminding myself again. As often as is needed, I’ll revisit this post. If you can relate to any of this then I hope it supports you on your own journey.
November 2017 Journal
I’ve had some time off lately. Time off confidence, allowing people around me to love me, and enjoying the good that happens each and every day. Instead, I’ve been overly focused on my problems, my haters, and my fears to the point which it has become overwhelming.
I took a trip to India and to Abu Dhabi. I didn’t go with my husband or daughter. It seems selfish to think that it happened, even now over a year later. the mother and wife in me never allowed me to fully relax or appreciate the wonderful things I saw and experienced during the 9 days I was away. However it was much-needed as my feelings of low self-worth were approaching dangerous levels and drastic times called for drastic measures.
I learnt so many things while I was away. In order that they aren’t forgotten as soon as I get back home, I wanted to quickly write them down. The hope is that over the coming weeks and months, as my attitude begins to revert back toward a more destructive nature, I can reflect on these lessons I’ve learnt and remind myself there is another way to think, and to stay focussed on the possibilities and opportunities instead of the negativity, fear and anxiety of what’s in store.
1. It’s okay to believe in yourself
Reflecting over the past months, at work I have heard my boss on many occasions telling me he believes in me and appreciates the effort I put into my work. I have listened but not truly heard. The voice in my head has countered all forms of sound reason and replaced those with the assertion that ‘you could have done better’ and ‘what do they know’. My take-home from this reflective break is that I am a good person, I do work hard and regardless of that annoying voice of negativity that weaves it way ever constantly though my mind, I can do amazing things because I want to deliver the best outcomes. I love not because I’m shown love but because it’s in my nature. I’m ambitious and it ok to be even when raising of young girl. It’s ok because she just so happens to be amazingly talented and is learning that there are no barriers to her happiness and success. Her self-worth is being developed as she soaks up everything that’s spoken around her. My behaviour and attitude have the power to build her but equally if I don’t watch the words coming out of my mouth and the negativity I utter about myself, she will absorb those words too and they may have the power to break her will and drive. So, even though its painful at times, believing in myself helps my daughter to also believe in herself so it’s a duty of care that I must be careful never to neglect.
2. Don’t stop at ‘just ok’
‘OK’ is a level of complacency that ebbs away at my confidence slowly over a prolonged period. For me it’s like a virus. It encourages a ‘less-than-my-best attitude’ and that in turn leads to boredom and feeling demoralised. ‘Just OK’ is full of compromises; setting the tone for a dissatisfied life. I never want to be ‘just ok’. Instead, I want to be ‘good’, ‘happy’, ‘great even!. I want to see rainbows and unicorns in everything I put my heart and soul into, whether they be mundane, day-to-day routine tasks, or difficult and unexpected challenges. If I’m to dream as big as my heart wants to, then I can’t and must never be satisfied with ‘just okay’.
3. Allow yourself time to reflect, to forgive and to heal
Do this every so often to keep a check on those erratic emotions of yours. It can overwhelm you if not dealt with quickly so take time out to breathe and relax every so often. Slow down long enough to clear your thoughts of any past hurts. Allow them to come in, but also to float away so that there’s space to welcome back the good thoughts and feelings.
4. You are loved uniquely
Lisa Bevere (a christian pastor and author) blew my mind with her book ‘Without Rival’. I’ve not read all of it yet but there’s already so much food for thought. The life you live is not a competition or a race. God loves you in a unique way, not more or less than anyone else. It’s important to let those words sink in deep, not only to understand it; but actually to accept it and take comfort in the fact that I am wanted, loved, and accepted as I am. To not be accepting of myself and my own abilities is to call God a liar, that He didn’t know what he was thinking when he brought me into existence. My whole world is predicated on the belief and assurance that God created us all and we each have a purpose. My goal is to learn what that purpose is and feel fulfilled in the realisation of that purpose in my life.